One of the strangest experiences of my life is the sensations that surround making friends. For the majority of my life, I had very little conception of self. Even now as I am aware of it, I am constantly scanning for indicators of who I am, what I must be like, how I come off to others. Why does it matter? Maybe because I’ve been missing it for so long.
The strange thing is, I feel extremely versed in my sense of identity. I have very little issue with asserting my values and knowing when I am out of alignment with them. What’s the difference, you may be wondering. The difference is slight, but it is a matter of direction. From the inside, there is a type of certainty. There is stability. There is a point of reference for challenging situations. But how do others see me? What do they think? Why am I so preoccupied with this? How do I learn to let it go?
I’ve had a lot of conversations recently regarding perception versus judgment. I am of the belief that while we all can perceive, only god can judge (whatever god means to you). Perceptions aren’t grounded in anything besides fallible human senses. This is not to write off the idea of right or wrong or a sense of morality, but simply to highlight that perception is variable, inconsistent, and not reflective of a stable truth embodied by the subject which is being perceived. It’s the way we can all have a favorite food or best friend or get married to different people and be content with it (or are we? That’s for another day.)
But the point is, while perceptions are inconsistent and fallible, and faulty, they are a foundational part of decisions we make in today’s world. They are the drops of water that sculpt the canyons of legacy. I stand at the top, and yet I cannot see my canyon. I do not know where the raindrops have fallen. It is dark. I sit and wait, praying for the sun to come over the horizon.
Anyway. That’s enough for today.
Still alive from whatever this plane of consciousness is,
Julia